Death; Death Never Changes

I've been preoccupied with death that past couple of days.  How would I inform the online community?  How would I distribute my worldly possessions?  All those nagging questions that have no easy answer, and yet at the same time have caused untold discomfort to my mind these past couple days.

I've gone through the scenarios; car crash; illness; murder; just about anything. None of them seem too ideal, but death waits for no one.  You can't change it, once you're dead you're dead.  My biggest concern is that I have made numerous friends online, some of which live close, and others that live far.  I don't know exactly what to expect when I die, nor do I fear the actual act of being dead.  Dieing on the other hand I do fear. The whole process just rubs me the wrong way. Whether it be the fact that I won't exist anymore, or the fact that if it's slow and painful I don't want to suffer.  However like I said I can't change dieing.

There is something that I can change.  Smoking.  I've said I'm quitting too many times to count.  Every time I've listed the benefits, I've listed the consequences of continuing, and yet every time I fall back into the addiction. I don't pride myself on smoking.  It's disgusting and expensive, but after smoking a pack a day for the past 7 years it's the worst thing I've ever had to give up.  The constant feeling in my throat, the headaches, and the withdrawal.  I've experienced every single one.  Quitting sucks, but I have to quit at some point.  Which is why I'm unleashing a new plan.  It might work, it probably won't either way at this point I have to try.

Starting with the end of this pack of cigarettes, I'm going to try a reward system.  I'm also going to do this entirely cold turkey, which is excessively hard to do, but I don't think the patch or gum is going to help.  I've tried both and it's just as easy to peel that patch off and spit that gum out. That's why I'm going to tackle the reward with something that I've been wanting for a while.  A Final Fantasy tattoo.

That's the Esper glyph for Zeromus in Final Fantasy XII it holds a special meaning to me.  First being that Zeromus was the first Final Fantasy final boss I ever beat.  Second as a reminder that at any time we can be judged for our actions, as he is the scion of holy order and condemner of criminals.  He's a bit dark for a character to be tattooed on me.  But nevertheless it should be a good tattoo for me.

The plan of action goes as follows.  For every day that I do not buy a pack of cigarettes, I know I left an out to smoke but I don't think people will take too kindly to me bumming from them every day, I will put away 5 dollars.  If I buy a pack of smokes, then that money saved up instantly goes towards payment of rent.  There is no I get to hold on to it for next time, it goes right to rent do not pass go do not get your tattoo.  If in a span of 80 straight days I do not buy a pack of cigarettes I will have saved 400 dollars and I will get this tattoo.  Whatever money is left over will go to some other fun activity for me to do.

I realized that when I told Liz about my fascination with death lately, and she asked is it because of the cigarettes, that I needed to quit.  This will hopefully help in that quest.

Until then be nice to each other, and keep it classy....